Can I tell you how hard it's been for me? Turning the page is exhausting, even when you're committed, accepting, honorable, intentional, working with ten thousand healers, etc. How 'bout them apples?!? Sometimes, you can't make it easy. Sometimes, all you can do is simply practice accepting where you are. Saying... "Oh well." "Yup." "This is really where I am." more than you're used to or comfortable with. You can just be in the sadness or rage or exhaustion or depression or, or, or... You can let. it. be. Better... You can let it live. (Oh, how little space we have as a culture for "not having your shit together"--but that's another post).
This song was born in one of those moments of surrender and acceptance. The lyrics are below.
And it begs the question... What if there's nothing wrong, nothing here to refuse? What happens when you create space for it all--all the sides and shades of our crazy existence as humans? What, that's usually smothered and stuck, gets a chance to comes alive?
Nothing to Refuse
What if I don't need you tonight like I think I do?
What if one's just as good of a number as two?
Used to think that I needed your fingers to strum a song
Turns out, I got ten of my own; I can do it, too...
I can do it, I can do it
Someone please tell me why we spend so much time wanting
Show me what's right in front of me; I'm awake now, I'm awake now
To the tears and the tender, the fears the surrender
Turns out even through it all, I can make it through...
I can make it, I can make it 'cause...
I sing pop songs
When I'm sad
And I've got road rage
When I'm mad
And on those good days
When I'm glad
I'll say thank you
With a quiet laugh
What if I could get quiet enough to be still?--
Still like a chair on a hardwood floor...
Maybe then, maybe then, maybe then, maybe then
All of the laughter would be a bit funnier
Funny thing I've been seeing people more clearly
Eye to eye so many of us are so weary
What a gift, what a gift to be tortured together
After all, we all know, together is better, better, better, better
We'll sing pop songs
When we're sad
And we'll have road rage
When we're mad
And on those good days
When we're glad
We'll say thank you
With quiet laughs
What if I don't need you tonight like I think I do?
What if one's just as good of a number as two?
We all know, we all know it's resistance that kills
What if there's nothing wrong, nothing here to undo?
What if there's nothing wrong, nothing here to refuse?
I'll sing pop songs
When I'm sad
And I'll have road rage
When I'm mad
And on those good days
When I'm glad
I'll say thank you
With a quiet laugh...
What if there's nothing wrong?
What if there's nothing wrong here?
What if there's nothing wrong, nothing here to undo?
What if there's nothing wrong, nothing here to refuse?
5 comments:
thank you. feels like a special message for me.
Oh yes yes yes. I am one who believes FIRMLY in saying yes to it all, allowing it all, it's all beautiful - and fleeting - we push ourselves so hard, and there's nothing to "get past", it's just this, and this and this... and it's all okay. It's all love in the end.
BEAUTIFUL words, and beautiful song, and beautiful woman. Thank you for sharing your truth.
Much love! xo
I applaud your courage and grace in getting through whatever it is you're going through. It seems painful. I have no advice to give and I don't think you need it. I just wanted to let you know that the next time my heart aches the ways yours has been, I will find strength in the posts you've made over the last several days, and that you're being heard and much appreciated. I send you love and best wishes, Rachel.
I like the space you've created with this song --- a place where it's all good, whatever it is.
And the realization that we are all all tortured together and it's something to cherish and lift up. Wow.
Thanks for your sweet truths, Rachael.
P.S. Are you a left-handed guitarist (like Paul Mc and Jimi H) or is that your mac doing that weird flippy thing when it records? Just curious.
I just wanted to let you know that I have been reading your blog since March of 2011. That was around the time I went through a life changing situation that turned my life upside down and left me vulnerable, depressed, angry, scared...all of the above. I always found your blog so inspiring. I love the way you write. Even when you don't know it, your blog is touching people around you.
I noticed recently you are going through a rough time of your own. Instead of stopping your writing, or it becoming dark or depressing to read...I am finding it more inspiring than ever. It is easy(er) to shine light to others when you are surrounded in it, but when you have to pull it from deep within, where you didn't even realize it was hiding...that is the true test of character and very inspiring to those of us who read your blog.
I look forward to seeing all the beautiful places life takes you.:)
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